Look, I get it... This is by nature a very adversarial process, you will be bitter with some decisions that are made by your ex, but if there's one thing that must remain sacred it's the following: adult conversations are for adults only.
Recently, I made some decisions that I know haven't been a hit with my ex. Some would simply say that it was "tit for tat" for other decisions that she's made that still rub me the wrong way. The strange that you'll find is that, those decision will help restructure the parameters of your new relationship. Inexplicably, my ex and I are in a better spot now than last month and certainly the month before. If adult conversations are required, we make time to meet each other at a local coffee shop to discuss these important items (full credit, it was her idea). We've come to the mutual understanding that our kids must see that their parents can still be in a room together and interact with each other in a positive way. I will admit that this my experience and that your experience may very well differ from mine and it most likely will. The brass tax is this: I'm no longer privy to what goes on in her house and vice-versa, and that must be respected. I can still have feelings about it and that's okay but it simply doesn't belong to me.
What remains top of mind however, is the well-being of our children. I have no choice but to keep an implicit trust that decisions being taken will always have our kids' best interest in mind and nothing short of that. I do reserve the right to express my concerns just as she reserves the right to accept those concerns or not. It becomes my job to check-in with my kids even more frequently than before to make sure that they aren't being left behind as we're trudging through this very grown-up process.
This is where you will very likely learn a significant deal about your kids. It may not seem like it's surprising or be news to you because you always "knew" but you also never really heard it come out of their mouth. The surprise likely hides in the how it comes out and how they've managed to process these complex emotions, without your knowledge. The little confirmations of your hunches could be the scariest things to hear but you have to be able to hear it so that you can be more responsive the next time you notice it creeping up. The subject matter of this very post is the result of one of those episodes... I had to learn that point blank questions are the simplest way to cut through and get to where you need to go with my kids. I am always mindful however, to not frame a question so as to get a biased answer that might not truly reflect my kids' feelings. This is what was suggested to me by a professional I recently sought help from. In her words, she warned that I may not like the answer coming back but it's important for your child to say and equally important for you to hear, so ask it point blank without framing.
There is nothing wrong with disagreeing with the decisions that your ex will make but if you suspect that it may not have a good effect on your children, you have the right to share those concerns. If the decision has already made and acted upon then check-in with your children... frequently... "How do you feel about such and such thing?" Yeah, it might hurt you but the re-assurance you may be able to offer your child will be far more valuable.
Like I said at the beginning, this is an adversarial process by nature but by keeping the children in mind and leaving the adult stuff for the adults; the whole will be better off for it.
This was a bit of a shorter one, but something I felt was important.
Take care,
Al
