Let me tell you a little something about one mean son of a bitch… He fights dirty, shows up without warning and when you least expect it. Loneliness is a jerk (not the fun kind like they in Carolina), he gets in your face and sticks it to you. Even though I had just spent a really great and amazing weekend with my daughters and still have them for the next few days, it didn't matter; he showed up. He'll leave you alone for most of the day, you know, when you're actually doing stuff and having fun. But he also lurks... Lurks in the shadows of your thoughts and insecurities. He comes out in the moments, moments where all is quiet and everyone else is asleep and you're alone. The kind of moments where all you want to do is just share how good and fun your day was or how it was the opposite, with someone, anyone.
And that's where this crafty bastard inflicts his continuous body shots to the soul.
All of a sudden, I find myself scrolling my social media apps with some anxiety building up... "Why hasn't there been more likes on this picture?" "I wonder what this girl from my past has been up to..." "Do you think she would be a good person to date?" "When would it appropriate for me to setup a profile on Match.com ?… Again..." This was my most recent experience and that's his first wave of attack, but you also have to watch out for him even when things are seemingly good, very good in fact.
Because just when you think you're good; here comes the low-blows...
Recently, I had become involved in a thing (don't know what else to call it really). Things had been going very good at the beginning, as most things are in their beginnings. Naturally, bliss and lust give way to real life obligations and well, things get a bit difficult and complicated. Even though, I seemingly had that person to share my news with and have chats and exchange texts with he showed up and knocked me blind. In a way, what happens next is probably where this thug is at his worst and most dangerous. In a bid to not lose that source of joy and bliss, you become blind to certain aspects that you weren't completely comfortable with... "Nah, I can live with that..." "Sure, I'm not into that but she isn't interested in some of my things either..." "I can see some problems here but I'm sure we can make it work..." "Yeah, I guess I can wait for this person to sort themselves out..." See what happened there is that wily, poker-faced asshole makes you start to negotiate against yourself just to try and keep him away for good. Problem is that he now has you cornered and you better be ready for the head-butt. All of a sudden, loneliness works against you in the opposite way, you want to keep someone around just to NOT be lonely. You settle, only to get completely destroyed watching everything unravel in front of your eyes (listening to Fleetwood Mac, Rumours no less!) even though you knew better than that all along.
So just like your classic bully, sometimes the best way to handle it is just stand up to it when you've finally had enough. This is pretty much where I find myself today; I'm tired of seeing the smug look on his face when he rolls around. For some reason, this is going the last time that I had an evening of motivation and goals stolen from me. This is going to be the last time I fret over "having no one" to share my news with (because I do have people).
Everything that you've just read happened in the span of about the last month. I'm glad I caught on to his little game, I can see him coming now... Instead of trying to hide from him now, I will be the one to walk up to his face. He will motivate me, push me and drive me. Instead of wasting time on my couch paralyzed by the clutch of my phone in my hands, I will use that time on what matters most to me. I will get comfortable having him around, sitting there in the corner, staring at me. The possible outcomes seem to me like they can only be positive; I figure that I stand to have a championship calibre hockey team, a well trained puppy (stay tuned...) and a more confident me.
I know that this will take time and work but just being at ease with the idea of being by myself for a long period of time is already a big step.
As always feel free to share this.
Take Care,
Al